I always believed that Love was soft, sweet, nourishing, the most pleasant of all possible experience in life… and i still believe it!
But i realized that the mistake was to think that Love and relationship were the same.
In a love relationship, there is love, but not only.
There is also, and often mainly, all the barriers that i built against Love.
All my fears leading to resistances, manipulations, forms of control, expectations.
I don’t blame those resistances, they have been created at times to protect me, to cope with the world surrounding me. They even helped me to stay alive at some early stages of my life when violent people were threatening me. A response to a need of feeling safe!
As a consequence, to feel safe, i have spent my life creating and repeating relationships that were controlled and confined into a field that i could deal with. And i called those limited spaces of life experience: love relationship.
It is only not long ago that i could see that the real price to pay for that so called safety was a very high one.
In order to protect those safe spaces, i had to behave in a limited way. Loosing the freedom of being truly myself and not allowing my partners to be totally free, specially in terms of becoming a new version of ourselves.
It came through compromises, rules, agreements, …
I could have called them «common boundaries», but a better name would be: «agreement of self limitation».
This so called safety cost me the freedom of being the «myself of now» if it was different from the «myself agreed on».
And this came also with an extra hidden fee: the numbness.
By repeating incessantly who i should be, i came to lose touch with who i am, the ever-changing me, the one in constant evolution and self discovery.
This numbness allowed me to keep on without feeling the burden and the pain of rejecting who i am. Till the point that i though all this was normal! «this is how relationship should go, this is who/how i am».
Being more in touch with my feelings and thanks to a very triggering love relationship, i had to look again into myself and break few more masks.
Allowing myself to «feel how i feel», i realized how much i was self contained, how much suffering was self-inflicted.
Opening again the pandora box, i found that under all that rusty principles, there was a genuine wish to be. Whatever this could mean, in whatever manifestation it could come: an ever-new-me.
From there, the first thing to do was to remove all the labels, boxes, agreements...
This brought up all that was linked to them: fears, reactions, and more fears!
Also, i had to do that for me and for my partner. So more fear, reactions and again more fears.
«but i need to control to be safe! The world is dangerous! It will not take care of you!»
The snail wants to be back in its shell. But the shell is way too small. Any shell is too small. The shell is breaking in 1001 pieces.
I am in the open air, the only thing i can do, is to let go, to trust and to be.
It is scary, very scary. It can be hurting, painful, dangerous, ...
So what about the safety? Am i giving up on boundaries?
Yes, i give up on boundaries and i barter it for self Love!
I give up the rigid boundaries that aim to control and limit.
I let in the flexibility of listening and respecting myself.
Not according to a rule, but according to what i know to be right for me, at the present moment, from the deepest core of my being.
Here begins the most frightening journey: self love, without safety net except the faith that i am able to love myself enough.
I am grateful for this new friend i made: myself!
He is all i always wanted, needed and asked for.
If we dare to be totally honest with each other, we will surely fall madly in Love!
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