The struggle of intimate relationships

Beyond open, monogame, polyamori, etc , choosing a conscious relationship!

Looking back at almost 3 years in a relationship with my partner, i have to say that beyond the love and apparent «romantic love story», it’s been a lot of struggle!

In the last months, it’s been very intense. I wanted to break up many times.

But i stayed there! sometimes fierce and strong, sometimes broken and angry.

I never questioned the love i have toward her, but rather the use and need of all those hard times.

I do love her, but there is times when some aspects of her personality are hard to handle and accept.

So i judge and reject, i accuse and blame… i project, i close my heart.

But there is those moments of greater self awareness when i realise how much what i criticise is where i feel unsafe or unaccepted!

All i dislike in her is nothing less than what i cover up in myself.

All i love in her is what i embrace in life and in myself.

A conscious relationship doesn’t bring confort.

It is not something that happen by itself. 

It takes a lot of work, a lot of will to strive for breaking up the barriers i built against love and specially against loving myself totally.

A conscious relationship is not all calm and beautiful, because it makes me face what i believe to be ugly in me; until i realise it is only rejected and suppressed aspect of my being. I learn how to love this ugly so i can see that it is not!

At the end, i gave up the question of breaking up or keep going; but i consciously question my choice to stay close or to open up!

When i am close, i see her as egoistical;

When i open, i see the strength of her authenticity.

When i am close, i see her as too much;

if i open, i see her abundance.

When i am close, i see her as judgmental;

if i open, i hear her call for feeling safe.

When i am close, i want her to change;

if i open, i love the way she is.

When i am close, i see her as facing me;

if i open, i see me in her!

When i am close, i want to break up;

if i open, i know that i am Love! And i want to share myself!

To my dear partner in Love & crimes, from my openness: i deeply Love you!

Thank you for sharing this path of self acceptance, for working on yourself, for supporting me, for being such a perfect mirror, for not giving up on your own evolution for the sake of my or your confort!

I Love you!